We all wear a mask at some point or another, we put on a happy face when in fact we are angry or worried or simply just not feeling our very best.

The biggest mask we wear is the smile of a happy person when I fact we are crying in side and wish we could break out of our own surrounding. It’s hard to sometimes do this day in day out, people around us may not truly understand the circumstances of our mood and just assume you are antisocial or grumpy. In fact we are just struggling and trying to keep a float.

I suffer with depression. I have been diagnosed by a doctor as having depressive tendency and I regularly have suicidal thoughts. Am I crazy?am I cracking up? Am I just seeking attention? Truth is the answer to all of these is no.

I was once told by a doctor that depression is a continuous battle between my mind and my body. My body wants to live but my mind wants to die. Mental health has its own stigma and that is unjustified. I once sat through a training seminar by a charity called MIND. Who managed to put it into a fantastic concept. The body is kept fit and healthy by the food we eat and the excersise we do. If we eat unhealthy and don’t do any physical activity then the body will start to fail, we will get ill and start to have medical issues.  The mind works in the exact way, if it fed constantly on stressful situations and we don’t do anything to help it then after a period of time we will start to suffer with health issues. In both cases if we don’t seek help the illness will have a lasting effect.

I get very lonely in my own thoughts at times, I struggle at times to cope with my situation. We all have busy lives full of challenges and struggles, I have never claimed that mine are any more difficult than the person next to me I just find it harder to get through it than others, this is not something I can necessarily control but it is a fact of life. Don’t get me wrong I am not sat in the corner of my room crying my eyes out, rocking back and forth, I just find it harder to put things into a reasonable context where I can digest and cope with what is going on in my life.

I work full time I can hold down a long term relationship and I have friends that I have developed strong bonds with, so the answer is no I am not cracking up. I was once told to man up, get a grip, learn to deal with it, stop attention seeking. The latter was my favourite and the person who said this was someone I regarded as a friend and they said it well I was opening up to them asking for help. 

I have very often found myself thinking things over and before I know what’s happening I am crying, I am a thinker this has always been a trait of mine, I often dwell on things that I have no control of and my past haunts me, I have been trough a lot over the years, more often than not I can with the help of medication cope perfectly fine and life is simply routine but then there are the times that I can’t cope or I find it difficult to put something into context, these are for me the hardest times to have to face.

When I first left the army i struggled with PTSD, I had very little support from the military and had to find my own way, I attempted suicide and aventually had a break down. My mind has had scaring ever since but I have managed to find a coping method. A few broken relationships played a small toll at times but I always managed to get through it. When I fell ill with CRPS I struggled more than ever before, I became a burdon on those around me and nothing was ever simple from that day on. I have often thought the world would be a better place if I was not here causing issues. I struggle to understand why this has happened to me. My mother once said that yes my condition is life changing but I must always bear in mind that it’s not life threatening. I just wish I knew why it’s my life that has had to be so dramatically changed. Over the past few years I have been faced with several stressful situations, my father got cancer, followed my my nans passing of cancer and a few years ago my nephew was diagnosed with cancer at only 18months at the time. I have already watched my siblings bury two baby sons and a baby daughter between them and here we are praying everyday that our now 2 1/2 year old nephew is going to come out of his recent operation ok. Recently I lost my father and I won’t lie its hit me harder than I thought, I miss him every day and would do anything to have a chat with him about something. And now I spend a lot of my time worrying about my mother and hoping she is ok. The impact that my illness has had on my life and the lives of those around me is just another thing to have to try and find a coping method with and for me that don’t always come as being an easy task.

So yes I find it hard to cope and no I am not crazy but I am human and I do struggle. I put on a mask at times to hide my real issues, why? That’s simple I don’t blame anyone for my situation and so I do my very best not to take it out on those around me, instead I put on my mask when it’s needed and take it off again when I think its appropriate to do so…….

Everyday is a struggle, a battle of survival……….. But I am simply a man behind a mask doing my best to get through the challenges ahead the best I can…