My troubles with my back, neck and right leg was due to an injured in the army. I had rehab and truth is my injuries would give me the odd back pain or twinge in the neck and sometimes the pain in my leg was so bad I could not put any weight on it at all. But I would still keep as active as I could by playing sports or going walking I would train in the gym three or four times a week. And had a passion for life, a life stretched out before me doing normal day to day things.
I could not have been more wrong and right out the blue my life changed forever. January the 6th 2014 I went to bed as normal I walked around my house locking the doors and doing the same routine I have always done, used the loo, cleaned my teeth and kissed my wife good night Early on the 7th I woke with a cramping pain in my back, the pain was completely unforgiving and in seconds I could not feel my legs, my feet would not move, my toes went into a cramp and the pain was incredible with no real warning and no real reason that I could see at the time I seemed completely immobile. Believe it or not and this is a testament to my stubborn ways I honestly thought it was a trapped nerve that would go as quick as it came. I didn’t go the doctors or call an ambulance as I now realise was very much a mistake. With a bit of moving around the feeling started to come back and I could hobble around but my balance was terrible I started using a walking stick to offer me some support, I felt like an old man but in a few days I managed to get most of the feeling back and so assumed it was my initial thought “a trapped nerve” but within a few weeks I felt my legs where becoming weak, standing became harder and harder and one day we went shopping and I just could not take the pain of being on my legs, I started to find that I was needing to use a wheelchair on long days out, I found my legs would become weak and painful to walk on. Pins and needles started to become more and more common but the thought never even crossed my mind that I had anything dramatically wrong with me, I knew what was happening was not right but I never for one second thought it was my nervous system I honestly thought I had a trapped nerve. I went to the doctors to find out what the hell was going on. My legs had started to get long periods where they felt like two lumps of rubber on the end of my body and nothing would give them relief.

The first doctor I had was terrible he just would not listen to me, he told me it was a trapped nerve and that it would improve on its own, he gave me pain killers and sent me on my way once again, in reality all he had done was tell me what I already thought but the pain was not going away and my legs would still not do what I wanted them to, I was getting more and more concerned I was struggling more and more and the job I had started with the new company was not making things any easier my manager was horrible her attitude was disgusting, she gave no care about disabilities, sickness or anything else the pressure to struggle through was very strong, and I was really starting to feel isolated by the pain. I had to grit my teeth and try not to let it get to me, But truth is I couldn’t do it anymore, I would go out on my lunch break sit in my car and cry my eyes out. I would put on a brave face in front of people but I knew the inevitable, I knew whatever was wrong was not simple and I knew I needed to start using a chair full time because the only way I could get around without the pain was when I was in it.

I am very good at taking my situation, whatever that may be and ask myself, what do I need to do first? There was parts of my life I needed to make some very big changes to starting with my job, this decision was easy, I hated the job and hated the people I worked with so the thought of leaving was welcomed, I worked in an office with five women and the office manager was the worst kind of human you could imagine, I had never met anyone like her, she was a bully and would manipulate those around to gang up on the person in the office she didn’t like at that time. I started looking and I went to interview after interview I used my wheelchair and I had all the excuses under the sun with letdown after let down, I knew I was more than capable of the jobs I had plenty of experience in the roles I was going for but rejection after rejection kept rolling in. I started to really feel like I was never going to get off the starting blocks and every day going into the office I was feeling more and more depressed with myself.

I decided if I was going to succeed I needed a new approach so I went for a job in a call centre, a job that was a massive pay cut but I decided that a big company would have better working policies for disability employment so I went for a job at Welsh Water. I went for the interview in my wheelchair, the manager who interviewed me was lovely she made me feel like a human being and not some kind of leper, I was determined I was going to use my chair and I was going to get on with things and if they didn’t want me then I would simply keep looking till I found a job that I could do in my chair,

“I GOT THE JOB” I was so excited, I took great pleasure in handing in my notice although if I thought life was bad before I could never prepare myself for life once I had told her I was leaving, it got so bad I went home one night after work, after having the day from hell and just didn’t go back, people should not have to go through that disabled or otherwise, still she was behind me now and I was moving onto better times.

I had purchased my wheelchair off eBay there was no way I could afford £1000’s for a new one, I had paid £200 for it but it was massive and completely wrong for me, I used it for a few months, got used to how things worked and it got me started but I really needed something more suitable, I needed my wheelchair to be light and adjustable, it had to do what I needed from it and I could not afford anything brand new again there was just nothing in the pot so with some help from Owain I turned back to EBay, at this point Owain was a guy I knew from the gym I trained at but he was the only person I knew that was in a wheelchair that would be able to help, thankfully he was happy to offer any assistance I needed and no one could predict how close we would become. So by this point I had got myself a new job, sorted a more suitable wheelchair and I had “deep breath” taken a little bit of control of my life again. My new life was still very new for me and even though my road ahead was still going to be a long uphill journey I had made a start. Owain and I had become fairly close friends by this point he become a mentor to me and March was a very busy time with Owains help, support and advice I had created a new wheelchair friendly home. Every room had been redesigned my father was a godsend, his carpentry and general building skills were priceless.
My money did not last long and before I knew I had run out, the one thing I had really needed now was a ramp, I was struggling but I found I could wheelie out the front door and I had found a method to pull my chair over the door step to get back in but it was not ideal.
one day on my way to work the rain was lashing down and it was taking no prisoners I was wheeling out the front door as I had every other day, I lost balance on the wet surface and my wheelchair slipped right from under me and I went backwards, my head found a stopping point right on the edge of the step, the pain was incredible I lay there in the rain soaking wet and stunned my breath had been taken clean out my chest and I needed the few seconds spent on the floor to grasp what had happened. I crawled over to my chair and climbed back in it, this was my first real fall and it hurt like hell, I had been shocked and frightened and the reality that I needed a ramp was certain. I was 32 years old at this point I was approaching my 33rd birthday and my life had been turned upside down and inside out. I felt like my wife had become my carer and I hated it, I had started to really feel the struggles of life, I would go into deep stages of depression and I could do nothing about it,

……..I felt like my wife would be better off without me, I felt like my friends had started looking at me differently, In my mind no one knew how I felt and no one really cared everyone wanted me to be the same old me but I didn’t know how to be, I was different my life was based around a wheelchair, everything had become about the chair, it was my life source I needed it, I depended on it, I had to think about it whenever I wanted to go somewhere or do something and it felt like a massive obstacle in my life.

The doctor decided that medication for depression was needed, I had told him that I have had suicidal thoughts, I explained that I felt like a burden on my wife and family, I explained that I was not dealing with things well, the medical assistance at this point was welcome.

On top of the pain, the numbness and the loss of movement I had also developed spasms in my lower limbs and at times in my right arm, this was really causing me some distress and it was happening way to often for my liking and again I had no answers and the doctors could not narrow down a cause, what was next? What was I going to do? And the big question I had asked myself a million times, why the hell was this happening to me? What I have I done that was so bad that god was punishing me like this?

My neuro specialist and doctor both agreed that I showed a lot of the symptoms of CRNPS complex radial neurological pain syndrome and it was confirmed that this in fact was irreversible there was no surgery available and could only be treated by pain and nerve medication. This was a real life changer. The spasms are just a way of life and they are a pain but truth is I have started to just understand them so it makes things easier, I am however still very lucky, I have had time to reflect and I have a great support network from my family they have started to understand my situation I have been able to explain to them what my disability means, I have been driven by my close friends, although I have made new friends it has been easier as they didn’t know me any other was so they have not expected me to just get better and that has helped a lot.

My rock has always been my wife things have not been easy we have had to learn to cope, we have had to learn to live with each other again, I have had to except her help, she has learnt to understand that sometimes I just get frustrated and it’s not her fault, one thing I really needed to learn was not to take her for granted and to understand that this is not all about me she is a massive part of what is happening. I had underestimated her for a while and that mistake nearly cost me my marriage but I was given a second chance and I decided to take it and make the most of it, I learnt from my mistakes I realised that she needed just as much support as I needed, I learnt that even though she is stronger that she was ever given credit for she was still human and she had her weaknesses,
My illness has taught me so much, I have learnt that some friends are real while other are not, I have learnt that sometimes the people you just meet may want you to win a lot more than those you have known for years, and I have learnt that sometimes you can love a person so much that your own image of yourself could be the thing that hurts the most but you need to realise that it’s not what you think of yourself that counts, you need to look past it and listen to what they say and let their feeling be the ones that count.